


A Critique of Sir Herculos

by HereForMost777



Category: Original Work
Genre: Chill, Man these peeps gotta like, Nothing beats arguing about pointless shit amirite?, take a Xanax maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:20:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21819580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HereForMost777/pseuds/HereForMost777
Summary: A short story about an entitled ass bodybuilder who don't realize all the shit that's been handed to him throughout his life... Except... that's just a short story, written by a peep, who's asking his bro for help critiquing it. The two go ham on the semantics, and it... all goes downhill from there.
Comments: 1





	A Critique of Sir Herculos

**Author's Note:**

> One of my first written works, made this all the way back in like, what, 5th Grade? Nonetheless, it contains a few... habits, of which are now either lessened or otherwise gone from my general writing.

**Chisled would be, by all means, the best way to describe Sir Herculos, his huge pecs eminating forth from his chest much like a brick would from a wall. Although, rather thankfully, his pecs are only, in some regards akin to a brick sticking out from a wall. Whereas such would be arrhytmic, unseemly, and most definitely a hazard towards the wall's existence as well... a wall, Sir Herculos's pecs are rather seemly, if anything they'd be more akin to the attachment of two, evenly spaced bricks to a wall preexisting, rather than the pushing outwards of two preexisting bricks from a wall. Which, by the way, is a practice most dangerous to engage in.**

**But now is not the time for Sir Herculos to revel in the sheer immaculacy of his physique. A physique of which, might I mind thee, was attained by the efforts of himself and SOLELY himself. I mean, in all honesty, his achievement of an erect physique would be, by all means, far less impressive had he received the aid of many, an aid of which he, by NO means, received. Even the mere PONDERANCE of such a thing is an act offensivemost. How DARE someone even QUESTION the effort of which he and ONLY he have put into the attainment of his DIVINE physique!**

**But worry not! For Sir Herculos is a man forgivingmost! Willing, by ALL means, to let such an OBVIOUSLY INCORRECT THING slide. Better yet, Sir Herculos is SUCH a forgiving man that he lets not transgressions slide, no... he let's things most OBVIOUSLY INCORRECT roll off the very curves; curves of which exist NOT, by the way!; of his being, almost like the rolling of a ball down a hill:

O

O

O**

**Then suddenly, as if on the whims of a child most demanding, always wishing for more than that of which he already has, a child of which he, by ABSOLUTELY NO MEANS, was. If anything, Sir Herculos recalls being a child humble, a child of whom would most definitely NOT pout upon hearing that he cannot get the latest thing striking his fancy, obtaining only to disregard it when he cares no longer for it. Such a thing is of those spoiled and is MOST DEFINITELY NOT indicative of the character of Sir Herculos... Where was he again? Ah yes! "Then suddenly, as if on the whims of a child most demanding, the nose of Sir Herculos recoils upwards, the very skin shifting skywards, little mounds of skin much like those bore by those of flabby fathood forming atop the nose's bridge:

_______$  
_______$$$$$$  
________$$$$$$$  
__________$$$$$$$  
____________$$$$$$  
______________$$$$  
________________$$$$  
___________________$$$  
_____________________$$  
_$$$_________________$$  
$$___________________$$  
$$___________________$$  
$$_____$$$$$$$$_____$$  
_$$____$$$$$$$$$$$$$$  
$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$  
**

**In tow with recoil of the nose air rises upwards, sinking into the very holes of said nose, holes of which had they not existed, would invalidate entirely the existence OF the nose, I mean, it's like if one's arms had not fingers, let alone hands. What would the point even be of them if you had not hands OR fingers? bludgeons? smacky tools?**

**Air's threads (|||) pour into the divine lungs of Sir Herculos, ascending upwards muchlike the first portion of a tilde (~), only to descend downwards, mimicking the a tilde's end. The threads bind to the brochioles respiratory, injected into the spherical blood cells (●) of his being, ready to contribute towards the further propagation of Sir Herculos throughout life. A propagation done MOST definitely out of an undying love for the divinity that is Sir Herculos and most definitely NOT out of a need to keep thyself alive!**

**Oh no oh no ohnoohnoohno, Sir Herculos has inhaled an excess of air! However shall he handle this? For as smart as Sir Herculos, in all his tonal glory may be, even his lungs most definitely, by every and all means may be, even HIS lungs can bear not the sheer girth of air, and if his lungs can handle not such a momentous constitution of air, then most certainly NOT could anyone else! For his mere handling of an airgirth gargantuan is but ENOUGH to prove the divinity of Sir Herculos.**  
..  
**And so Sir Herculos sends forth but a morsel (.) of linelike air into his mouth (o--o), but even an act such as THAT can spare NOT Sir Herculos from his actions, actions of which were in ABSOLUTELY NO WAY idiotic or ill-advised, but were rather indicative of Sir Herculos's flagrant intellect.**

**But what is this? it seems that Sir Herculos is... expunging forth the air excess from his nose!? WOW! Never in my life would I have thought of expunging the air excess from nostrils, ESPECIALLY upon the grounds of them being the VERY SAME means by which the air was incurred in the first place! And so the air bursts forth from the nostrils of Sir Herculos, emptying the cheek-cavity with such a haste was to imply that it bore the very force of an explosion Nuclear! err... Of course the sending forth of air would ACTUALLY bear the force of an explosion nuclear, otherwise Sir Herculos would denoue in life, and a world without Sir Herculos is one worth living in NOT!**

…..____________________ , ,__  
……/ `—___________—-_____] – - – - – - – - ░ ▒▓▓█D ;_;  
…../_==o;;;;;;;;_______.:/  
…..), —.(_(__) /  
….// (..) ), —-”  
…//___//  
..//___//  
.//___//

**And so yet another attempt has been made upon the life of Sir Herculos by the very air of which he breaths, one coordinatedmost indeed, a single strand of air (|) can bear weight none upon the immaculacy of Sir Herculos, but a coordinated effort, millions upon millions of strands acting entwine, bearing but a singular goal; much like the lone yolk of an egg; in mind.**

**The demise of Sir Herculos.**

**But why would the Air wish for the demise of Sir Herculos? Had Sir Herculos done something prior to aggravate the air? Had he unintentionally expunged forth gas from the likes of his rear? No! Sir Herculos would NEVER do such a thing! He always expunges forth his gas in the privacy of the lavoratory, and ESPECIALLY not whilst gazing upon television sporty with a beer in hand, a beer of Sir Herculos would most definitely drink NOT.**

**But nonetheless, an attempt upon the life of a LOVELY and ROGUISH man has been made, truly is hard to be the most amazing, stupendous man to ever WALK upon the Earth's surface. But unfortunately the universe is quite bothered by a man so obviously divine, and frequently does it attempt to end his life.**

**But worry not! For Sir Herculos is a man most forgiving, and so he shall spare the air's life in SPITE of it's attempt to end that of his life. But should the air ever again attempt to end Sir Herculos, he will strike without mercy. Of course, such will only occur should the air attempt to end his life yet again, for Sir Herculos MOST DEFINITELY does not denoue lives upon their first try, to lay claim upon his very life...*

FIN

So what did you think? Don't be afraid to lay it on me rough!

[[I don't know buddy, are you sure you can handle it?]]

I'm PRETTY sure I can handle criticism, let alone YOURS.

[[Are you sure?]]

Yes

[[Are you REALLY sure?]]

YES

[[Are you ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, without a SHADOW of a DOUBT sure?]]

Oh my cripe YES! If I didn't want criticism I would not have, by ANY means, invited of you over, but per you being... y'know, HERE; I would VERY MUCH love your critique! And assuming that I DID invite you over yet wished NOT for you to bestow upon me criticism, let alone read my work, I would have showed to you NOT; and if you SOMEHOW managed to unearth my work AND bestow upon me good ol' fashioned criticism. I, like any mature individual, would accept it in whole. Although depending upon the QUALITY and DEPTH of the critique, I'd take it with varying levels of salt grai-

[[uuuuuuuugh, do you EVER shut up?]]

Of course I can "shut up", If I couldn't then I would most likely be a perpetual talking machine, unreleting in the verbal stew expunged forth from the mouth, sharp reverberations (VɅVɅV) carrying upon them ineligible moronity. But assuming you were speaking of the tangents I embark upon, most likely the case if I DO say so MYSELF, then I... don't *really* know, I mean, usually when I think of something words just spew forth from my mouth (♫♪.ılılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılılı.♫♪), much like the "perpetual talking machine" I mentioned early. Of course not EVERYTHING I think is translated into words, hence the wrongness of the "perpetual talking machine" comment made earlier, so there must be some sort of "thing" keeping all o' me thoughts from being uttered. I wonder if this tendency of mine is a trait internal or but the result of my surroundings, of course this would be RATHER HARD to test, the only way I can think of being the pointing of a gun to me head and seeing if I keep spewing out stupid, but UNFORTUNATELY that'd be unethical, not to mentionly DEADL-

[[You know what you sound like? bla bla, bla bla bla bla, bla bla BLA bla, blabbity blabbity BLA]]

I'm pretty sure I don't sound like tha-

[[AND FURTHERMO-]]

Dear cripe I GET IT! Taking the motif of the blabberino and using it against them, no need to rub it in and be a GOSH DARN HECKING REAR about it, pardon my french.

[[Bud, the fifties called, the want their colloquialisms back]]

Weren't the fifties a period of time? Tell me, no, TELL ME how a duration of time, something in no ways ALIVE, be capable of telecommunication? ESPECIALLY via cellphone?

[[If you don't believe me that's perfectly bu-]]

NOW I NEVER SAID SUCH DID I NOT! I merely doubted the plausibility of the fifties bestowing upon YOU their number.

[[I'm pretty sure you didn-]]

And I am positively sure that I DID!

[[*sigh* look, do you want the number or not?]]

Why yes I would INDEED! Perhaps I could *finally* end this delusion of such being the legitimate number of the fifties!

[[*flipping backtracker...*]]

Why hello, I would to enquire as to if this number genuinely belongs to the duration known as the fif-

ε(o_o)з】ε(o_o)з】Never gonna give you up! Never gonna give you up! Never gonna give you up! ε(o_o)з】ε(o_o)з】

[[Holy *cripe* dude! I can't believe you actually fell for tha-]]

This is merely the CHORUS of Rick Astley's hit *Never Gonna Give Up* on LOOP, it's not even that! It's just the commencing lines over and over and over andoverandoverandoverANDOVERANDOVER

AND.

OVER!

[[Yeah so?]]

*Never Gonna Give You Up* was released in 1987, and you CONTINUE to tout the QUOTE ON QUOTE "fact" that I was forging contact with the fifties. That, by NO MEANS makes ANY sort of sense, are you attempting to insinuate that Rick Astley's famous hit was but borne in the fifties, technically sung not UNTIL twhe 80's?

[[we-]]

B-b-but that makes not sense! Rick Astley was born upon February 6th, 1966, by what means could have he written *Never Gonna Give You Up*!?. Unless...

[[uh, budd-]]

Oh g-god no, the man I worship is a FAKE! A FRAUD! A MERE MOOCH UPON THE TALENT OF THOSE WHO CAME BEFORE HIM!

[[Chill bud, it's j-just a j-joke!]]

OH so NOW it's a JOKE HUH? After letting delve down the whole NINE YARDS of the rabbit hole, losing faith in my idol, you finally decide that "Yep, this is the PERFECT TIME TO TELL MY PAL OF HIS THAT THIS WHOLE KERFUFFLE WAS BUT 'A JOKE'!"

[[To be fair the joke was *preeeetty* funny but hey, some people can comprehend "der sheer girth of my comedic genius" budd-]]

You. Are NOT my "buddy"! In fact you are the antithesis of such, much like ANTIMATTER, upon the mere CONTACT with my being, energy VIOLENTLY bursts forth from our collision, laying waste to the surrounding environment much like how a glutton would gorge themselves upon a RATHER TASTY cake:

__,-~~/~ `---.  
_/_,---( , )  
__ / < / ) ___  
\- ------===;;;'====------------------===;;;===----- - -  
/ ~"~"~"~"~"~~"~)~"/  
(_ ( ( > )  
_( _ < >_>'  
~ `-i' ::>|--"  
I;|.|.|  
<|i::|i|`.  
(` ^'"`-' ")  
Total annihilation, not even a single SPECK remains...

[[Bud, if you were matter and I was antimatter then I'm PRETTY sure that everything in a 50 mile radius would be decimated... Kinda like this:

____/ ( ( ) ) ___  
/( ( ( ) _ )) ) )  
(( ( )( ) ) ( ) )  
((/ ( _( ) ( _) ) ( () ) )  
( ( ( (_) (( ( ) .((_ ) . )_  
( ( ) ( ( ) ) ) . ) ( )  
( ( ( ( ) ( _ ( _) ). ) . ) ) ( )  
( ( ( ) ( ) ( )) ) _)( ) ) )  
( ( ( ) ( (_ ( ) ( ) ) ) ) )) ( )  
( ( ( ( (_ ( ) ( _ ) ) ( ) ) )  
( ( ( ( ( ) (_ ) ) ) _) ) _( ( )  
(( ( )( ( _ ) _) _(_ ( (_ )  
(_((__(_(__(( ( ( | ) ) ) )_))__))_)___)  
((__) \||lll|l||/// _))  
( /(/ ( ) ) ) )  
( ( ( ( | | ) ) ) )  
( /(| / ( )) ) ) )) )  
( ( ((((_(|)_))))) )  
( ||(|(|)|/|| )  
( |(||(||)|||| )  
( //|/l|||)|\ )  
(/ / // /|//||||\ _) ]]

It was a FIGURE OF SPEECH!

[[*You* get Figures of Speech? After that whole shebang of "Calling the fifties"? I'm not even upset I just would've liked to know]]

NO I-you-AUGH!

[[WOAH there buddy! No need to get all "riled up" like that, y'know? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]].

... I hate you SO much right now pal, So. Hecking. Much

[[C'mon, you don't *really* mean that bud]]

Were you even LISTENING!? I embark upon this WHOLE tangent to HOPEFULLY explain as to how the sheer TOTALITY of my being, from the tips of my head to the ARCHS of my VERY feet, loathes NONE OTHER THAN YOU! and guess what you do upon incurring that tangent o' mine? "woAoAoh there BUDDY, no need to get all 'riled up' like that, Y'kNoW? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[[If you really hated me fam, why invite me over? Surely if you "loathed me" THAT much you wouldn't want a thing do to with me...]]

SIMPLE! Unlike my so called "friend circle", you are one of the FEW entities of whomst I know, without a SHADOW of a DOUBT would give me criticisms merited!

[[I mean, if *that's* the case why don't we get started? I'd *hate* to have this last any longer than it has to, lest I aggravate you]].

Now your just rubbing it in

[[Bud, hasn't that what you've been doing the WHOLE time?]]

Well I'm merely touting the truth, if you like not the truth, then feel free to leave. Oh! My bad! I meant "LINEARLY INTERPOLATE from the point in which you CURRENTLY RESIDE to a point sufficiently removed from your CURRENT POINT. As is depicted per this LOVELY drawing that will HOPEFULLY illustrate the concept to you: 0[]---->[]

You see, the 0 represents the stressor, whereas as the [] represents you AND, per the dashings topped with >, you LINEARLY INTERPOLATED from the "stressing point" to a NONSTRESSING point, better yet known as WALKING FROM A TO B!

[[... But what's A and B?]]

Why obviously, A and B would be CHARACTERS WITHIN THE ALPHABET!

[[But whatever is this "Alphabet" you speak of? Is it a new book you've read as of late? Oh do tell of these two characters you've spoken of! Do they bear any relevance towards the plot? Are they any interesting in the slightest? DO THEY BEAR CHARACTER ARCS RESOLVED!?

Don't play COY with me "bud", for, as a speaker of the english language, you should be COMPLETELY KNOWLEDGEABLE as to what the ALPHABET is. Let's say you don't, let's sat some MIRACULOUS means, despite living in a day MODERNESTMOST, you know absolutely NOTHING NOT as to what in the HEAVENS the alphabet is, fret NOT! For I shall extrapolate time out of my PRECIOUS LIFE to ENLIGHTEN you as to exactly what the alphabet is, and that of which the alphabet ENTAILS!

The alphabet is a SERIES of CHARACTERS of which comprise the ENGLISH LANGUAGE! 

[[I'm a tad bit confused, did you NOT say that A and B were but characters *within* the alphabet? Now you tell me that they but part of the "alphabet" of which ITSELF is part of the English Language? Please elaborate *good sir*, for I am but a tad bit confused!]]

No, I said that the Alphabet is a series of characters within the ENGLISH LANGUAGE >:>

FIN

<>

F.I.N.


End file.
